Missing My Mom…!#

No she’s not dead, she has Alzheimer’s…and I don’t know if it’s better or worse.

For some reason, lately I have been missing my REAL mom, the one before Alzheimer’s so much. I have to call the facility she’s in, ask for the special section she’s in, ask the nurse to get her, then I get my Mom, but when I get her, I still don’t really get “her”. There are little glimpses of “my” special Mom, but mostly a very vacant woman, she asks her usual 3 questions, that she thankfully remembers, questions about my kids and my husband about “how are they”  she still remembers that,  then she fades, then I remind her it’s me her baby, and she brightens up and tells me she loves me and we giggle and smooch and throw kisses like when I was little.  The last time she told me not to worry about her, to “Go live my Life”, needless to say, I got off the phone weeping. It’s so hard watching and listening to a loved one disappear from you with Alzheimer’s Disease.

My Mom was and is my best friend.  I would speak to her at least once a day, every day for my whole life, until this Alzheimer’s thing. We would spend hours on the phone philosophizing about the world and it’s problems. I think we solved a bunch of really big ones, if only some important people would have listened! We spoke about decorating, she was just fabulous at that, it was one of her loves. She was just there for me, to listen, commiserate, and be the great nurturing mother she was. I would listen to her problems too, when she wanted to let off a little steam about Dad being a stick in the mud, or neighbors being annoying or whatever, we were there for each other, like friends are supposed to be. Now there is nothing to talk about for there is no give and take, no recall. She has no more than 30 seconds of memory, so she can’t tell you about anything she’s done, if you question her about something you heard she’s done to start a conversation, it only confuses her because she doesn’t remember which leaves us with darn little to speak about on the phone.  It is almost a physical ache, I miss her so much. She is here yet she isn’t here! When I do talk to her she seems happy, which is good, so if she is happy enough, clean, healthy and well cared for, then all my prayers are answered.

My brother goes at least weekly to see my father in one wing, and my mom in the other wing, he says they are doing as well as can be expected. I am happy about that, as happy as can be, as at peace as I can be,  I just miss my “old Mommy!”

I am going to go call her now, my love! God grant me the serenity!