Last night as I lay in bed, I had a fabulous idea for a blog. But as I sit here now, for the life of me, I cannot remember the idea. It so upsets me that my memory fails me and I am only in my 40’s. What the hell am I going to do when I am even older? I try not to focus on the fact that my mother has Alzheimer’s/Dementia and is now living in a Senior facility and very vague. She has lived a very long full life and has been a wonderful mother, but her memory has failed her for a good 6 years now and I’m hoping that is not my future fate. But then again, if it is I won’t even KNOW, so it’ll be Okay, right?
If it isn’t that, perhaps it’s the CHEMO brain I got from a stupid run-in with the big “C” about 2 years ago. I try not to dwell on that either. Been there, done that, hated it, it’s over, but unfortunately the chemo seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. The chemo really did seem to have a lasting effect on my brain. I seem to have gotten a lot better but my brain really was effected, there were gaps of information in my memory. I couldn’t grasp simple words, complete thoughts were beyond me, so was spelling or the finishing of sentences at times. These had been strong points for me, science and math are not. English and grammar usually come easily to me, but not right after the chemo. So, it’s a conundrum which thing I could/should blame my bad memory on.
It also could just be AGE! Damn. Supposedly the 40’s are not that old, but every day I find another thing that kinda’ shows my age. I’m just not quite as agile as I was. Perhaps when I get back to yoga, which I had to sit out for a while as I recuperated from my shoulder surgery, I’ll get more agile again. I will believe that, try to stay optimistic, perhaps then the mind will follow? Yeah, that’s it …
Anyway, back to the memory. I wonder if we’re all too busy? Too overloaded with technology? Perhaps that is effecting our memories, too. Also, as we age, we can only hold so many memories in our mind in the memory banks, so we need to toss ones that aren’t that important. Unfortunately, who decides what isn’t important? Our brains? Well, mine isn’t choosing the correct detritus to toss… it’s tossing important words and syntaxes I need to express myself, keeping bad memories that I’d rather forget. Why is that? Things that taunt me, haunt me, occasions that upset me from 20 years ago, unfortunate things said or done that I wish I didn’t do are still in my memory bank.
Perhaps when we die, we can ask the powers that be what was the sense to it ALL? Why did we have to relive those memories over and over?
I wonder if afterall, it’s just because I’m a blond airhead? Nah!!
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The Nurse K. the nurse practitioner who examined me this time offered to give me the contact information for another nurse who had survived breast cancer and is now on Tamoxifen an estrogen antagonist that has some nasty side-effects itself. About four or five days after chemo I get very tired and easily winded–probably a sign that both my white and red blood cell counts are bottoming out.
They tried to give me Tamoxifen, too but it added to my headaches and I declined! I am winging it… good luck through your Battle!! Evie